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Tag:peyton manning
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:52 pm
 

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.

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Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:10 am
Edited on: February 24, 2009 11:43 am
 

Harrison Dreams Of Seeing Bottom Of Standings

After 13 seasons of toiling at or near the top of the divisional and conference standings, Marvin Harrison asked for his release today from the Indianapolis Colts. After over a decade of success, being a part of the greatest QB-wide receiver tandem in history along with Peyton Manning, Harrison has long wanted to see what the bottom of the standings are like.

"I have a dream," began Harrison in an interview with ESPN. "I have a dream of not caring about whether we win or lose only two months into the season, because we are so far out of first. I have a dream of not having to actually stay in shape and compete hard for a roster spot, because my team only drafts wide receiving busts and people of questionable character. I have a dream of being able to just sit at home and watch the playoffs on my comfortable new couch, with my plasma TV and surround sound, instead of having to go get all sweaty and play in them. By asking for my release today, I'm hoping one team out there can let me live this dream."

Several suitors have lined up to try and grab the future Hall Of Famer. The Bengals and Lions especially have prepared presentations about their long history of horrible play and divisional showings. The Lions presented a plan about how Harrison will never have to attend a practice, because even without them he will be much better than anything else they have. The Bengals showed him the luxurious facility where they held their "Ha Ha, The Steelers Have To Play 3 Extra Games" themed Super Bowl Party.

Marvin is said to be considering both offers very seriously, although the Cardinals have come in late to say not to rule them out. They say that last year was just a fluke, and to not worry, they will be back to their old ways in 2009.

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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:46 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
  • Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
  • The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
  • CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this idiot guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a monkey is making noises in the background?" -Tom
    "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
    "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
  • Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
  • I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
  • Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
  • Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
  • When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
  • Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
  • And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.
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Posted on: January 15, 2008 11:34 am
Edited on: January 15, 2008 11:35 am
 

Dungy Mulls Entering NFL PreGame Show Draft Early

With yet another early playoff exit after finally breaking through for a Super Bowl last year, Tony Dungy is reportedly mulling retirement. Having won the big game, and going to the playoffs countless times, there is little left for him to prove in the NFL. But the announcement that he may be coming out early has sent the heads of sports pre-game shows scrambling, and could shake up the draft order for next year.

Before every season, despite having the entire pool of retired talent to pull from, the multiple NFL pre-game shows hold a draft for players and coaches who have just come out of the game. Bill Cowher was the number one pick last year by CBS, and has played very well this season for their team. His ability to laugh incessantly at the other former players non-jokes is right on par with some of the best in the business. His predictions on the outcomes of games have been just as random and inaccurate as the other talking heads on TV.

It's unknown where Dungy will fall in this year's draft. He does have a lot going for him in that he's been a great coach, won a super bowl, and is very well-known in front of the camera. But, he's also a quite man with an odd speaking voice, it's unknown if his personality is douchy enough to jive with the atmosphere of a pre-game show. If you don't think Frank Caliendo's Terry Bradshaw and John Madden impersonations are funny the 500th time, you are usually benched by FOX. But one thing Dungy has going for him is the fact that he's African-American, but yet unimposing and not very big. That hits several key demos that networks are looking for.

The first pick in this year's draft will of course go to ESPN's NFL Match-Up which features Merril Hoge and Ron Jaworski breaking down game film more in-depth than any casual fan wants to do. It's like going to school, and they are the lowest rated and number one pick yet again because of it. However, they typically trade their number one pick away for bizarre items Hoge demands when high from sniffing those dry-erase markers he uses to circle plays. Last year they traded their pick to CBS for 200 pounds of candy corn, before that it was a trade for a Heisman trophy replica statue made entirely of butter.

If they pass on Dungy again this year in favor of some odd food item, he could go anywhere. FOX is really in search of a black man to bolster their current roster. If Curt Menefee goes down with an injury, they currently have no backup. CBS and ESPN meanwhile have a more balanced attack, and therefore may not need him. The real key could be how he performs in those asinine segments where the host act out plays on a small field. No one can understand what the hell is going on because they are so unorganized and slow, but every show seems to love them. Dungy better start practicing.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: January 15, 2008 8:38 am
Edited on: January 15, 2008 8:39 am
 

For One Magic Sunday, Leaf Bests Manning

For one Sunday, Ryan Leaf was better than Peyton Manning. On the day Manning's Colts went down in the divisional playoff round to Leaf's old Chargers, Ryan was awarded his second Employee Of The Month award at a Texas Arby's. The award was given to him in a lavish ceremony in the Arby's break area, shortly after he was finished scrubbing the bathrooms. He and his fellow employees celebrated by feasting on free apple turnovers and orange soda.

"I just want to thank God, for helping me to finally overcome Peyton Manning," said Leaf in a speech after accepting his certificate. "He couldn't win his second Super Bowl, but I've won this award two months in a row! Suck it Peyton! Suck it!" His ending to the speech was made more awkward by the fact the presentation was not being televised, and there was a 15-year-old male fry cook named Peyton in attendance.

Leaf's performance on Sunday was very impressive going 33 of 44 in combo supersize upgrades for 233 orders, but he did have 2 interceptions, something he can't avoid even in the fast food business. While being a total bust in the NFL, Leaf has been an outstanding microwave chef and assistant manager at the West Texas Arby's, where he's worked since his retirement at the age of 26. He has set records for fastest Big Beef N Cheddar prep, most diet sodas drunk without a bathroom break, and holds the career Arby's mark for sleeping with barely of age female employees who don't know any better.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com