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Tag:pittsburgh
Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:52 pm
 

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.

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Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am
 

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: August 16, 2010 7:59 am
 

Lions Fire Coach After Preseason Loss

News came out of Detroit this morning that head coach Jim Schwartz has been fired by the Lions after a blowout preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers over the weekend.

"This is it, season over. We suck again..." said team president Tom Lewand. "If there was one time where we were supposed to be able to be competitive, it was the preseason! But no, we can't even avoid being blown out there! This team has a suspended quarterback, and they still put up 27 points on us!"

All remaining coaches on the Lions staff immediately yelled "Not It!" upon hearing the news, in hopes they would not have to take over the team.

Quarterback Matt Stafford said he was surprised by the firing, but was a little more optimistic on the loss.

"Well, I can't say this loss is totally surprising," added Stafford. "Their second string guys played well into the third quarter. Our whole Lions roster is pretty much third and fourth string guys, so until that final quarter we were really dominated. I don't see us winning the next few games either. But maybe that final one, where most teams rest their starters. Maybe we'll have a chance there..."

Many fans were also very angry at the loss, as the preseason games are the only Lions home games that typically sell out. Since seeing them win at home during the regular season is probably impossible, they have one shot left to see that happen.

"I have asked the Buffalo Bills when they come to visit in a few weeks to please just play their practice squad," said Lewand. "Maybe we can beat 5 guys making the league minimum, if we are able to us our full roster. No guarantees, but hopefully we'll be able to get one meaningless win for our fans this year..."

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Posted on: August 5, 2010 7:53 am
 

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relgating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 2, 2010 7:45 am
 

Discovery Channel Kicks Off San Jose Sharks Week

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

The show has garnered a lot of controversy with human rights groups, but the open hunting laws on San Jose Sharks players have stayed in place. The city claims that having it legal to catch and kill their hockey players is good for tourism, and doesn't really affect anyone outside of the players, as these people play in the NHL, so it's not like anyone knows who they are. They are also mostly Canadians. Besides, kids and families enjoy posing with the strung up dead bodies of Sharks players in the town square.

Other programs to be shown during this year's Shark Week include the specials:

  • Feeding Time- Documenting the double decker tourist buses that carry tourists around San Jose and throw raw fish and chum over the side to Sharks players who circle around the bus.
  • Ultimate Shark Jump- Happy Days star Henry Winkler attempts to jump over a San Jose Sharks practice ice rink on water skis, with the dangerous players circling below.
  • How To Survive A Shark Attack- Experts tell how to stay safe should you be attacked by a Sharks player who may mistake you for his usual prey of seal.

Critics of Shark Week continue to ask why such an unpopular sport and franchise was chosen as the subject for a weeklong celebration. Discovery claims that they just beat out more popular teams such as the New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Steelers. They say that the week is so popular, they can't change it to someone else now. Also, things such as hunting men and throwing raw fish around onto the streets are probably not allowed in a real city like New York.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com