Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

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Posted on: August 16, 2010 8:12 am

Doctor Cuts Off Favre's Hand To Force Retirement

Perhaps the biggest question in the NFL this month is whether or not Brett Favre will return to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings in the upcoming season.

Sports fans across the country have spent the last month being frustrated to death by the constant Favre coverage and have tried everything to get him out of their heads.

Thankfully, the decision has finally been made for Favre as during his meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Favre’s right hand was apparently cut off in some kind of medical accident. The loss of his throwing hand has forced Favre to announce his retirement and he is still trying to figure out how it happened.

“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I don’t actually remember anything from the appointment, just that I woke up in the waiting room with one hand chopped off,” Favre said about the incident.

Favre set up the consultation because his ankle wasn’t healing from the surgery like he anticipated. He used that as the excuse as to why he hadn’t made up his mind yet. However, things were settled for him immediately when he no longer had his throwing hand.

While Favre might not have a clue as to what happened in the consultation, Dr. Andrews was very clear on what happened.

“It wasn’t an accident...I cut it off and couldn’t be more proud. When he came into my office and I looked at his ankle, it was fine. The guy had been faking it so he could pretend he had legitimate reason for not being in camp,” Dr. Andrews said. “He is truly a sociopath. When I saw my opportunity, I put him under and made sure he couldn’t throw a pass ever again.”

It is unclear if Dr. Andrews will be charged with anything for the blatant assault. Regardless, President Obama has come forward and said that he will pardon whatever crimes Andrews is charged with.

“Dr. Andrews has done a great thing for America. Favre has been a pest for everyone and by ending his reign, Andrews has given us an extra 20 minutes for Sports Center to cover real topics,” President Obama proclaimed. “The man is a hero for us all and I will be awarding him the Medal of Honor for his courage.”

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Posted on: July 22, 2010 7:52 am

ESPN's Favre - Make The [BEEP]ing Decision Specia

by Matt Webb

Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”

According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.

The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.

In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this s**t!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”

ESPN says the special's broadcast date and time will be announced soon.


Posted on: March 3, 2009 8:59 am

Veteran Sacramento Kings Franchise To Retire

The Sacramento Kings made it official today that they would be retiring from the NBA following the season, ending months of speculation by fans and pundits. It has been a tough couple of final years for the 64-year-old franchise, whose diminishing skills and wins this season have become readily apparent.

Kings mascot Slamson the Lion served as spokesperson for the franchise when they announced the retirement to the press. All players, coaches, and employees will be retired, as they obviously do not have any business working or playing in the NBA.

"Look, we all remember our glory days back in the 40s," said an emotional Slamson. "We were the young rookie franchise, winning championships with our flashy new logo and high scoring offense that averaged almost 60 points a game. We were on fire! But time has taken its toll, and we realize it's time to hang up the purple uniforms once and for all."

"We want to thank all the fans who have supported us throughout our career as a franchise, and want to say that we are not done yet. We have been signed by ESPN to be the color commentators on their NBA broadcasts. It will be Mike Tirico and the entire Sacramento Kings you now hear during your games. It's been a challenge finding 100 or so microphones for all our employees, but it's going to be fun to get so many voices chiming in on the action."

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Posted on: February 14, 2009 11:03 am

Adam Dunn Retires From Competitive Baseball

With the flashbulbs popping, and tears running down his face, Adam Dunn thanked his fans and supporters for cheering for him during his 8-year career. In a press conference held yesterday, Dunn announced that he was retiring from competitive baseball and giving up his boyhood dream of playing in a World Series, by signing with the Washington Nationals.

It was a bold move for the 29-year-old lefty to step away from the game so early, but he felt the money the Nationals were offering was just too good to pass up. Usually only a washed up veteran who had no interest anywhere else would even consider retiring to Washington, but Dunn might just be breaking the mold.

"I've been so blessed to be able to play my career on teams with at least a fighting shot of making the playoffs," said Dunn between sobs. "But now it's time to move on, do some other things with my life, like lose 13-0 consistently to a bunch of teenagers on the Florida Marlins. It's going to be tough, knowing that I left the game in my prime, but I have to think about my family."

At that point, Washington manager Manny Acta brought out his new number 32 red Nationals jersey, and Dunn broke down into tears after taking one look at it. The crowd was silent as they knew what a sad moment this must be for an athlete. Dunn then got up from his chair and attempted to run away from the press conference, but Nationals security grabbed him and held him down against the podium. He struggled, but they forced the jersey on him and buttoned it down the front.

"We want to welcome Adam to our wonderful organization," said Acta as security held up the limp and crying superstar. "We know it's never easy to retire from competitive baseball like this, but at some point everyone has to do it. Now, if you'll excuse us, I think we have some spring training games we have to get ready to lose..."

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:35 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:52 am

Brett Farve Refutes Claims By Anonymous

ESPN ran a story yesterday saying that an Anonymous Jets player said that Brett Favre was distant from the rest of the team and spent most of his time in a private office alone. Anonymous went on to say that Favre should have been benched during his 3 interception performance in week 16, and the team can't be all about one person. The news goes to further illustrate just how fast things went from good to sour in New York after the team started the year 8-3.

But Favre is not taking the news lying down, and in a press conference today disputed these allegations, saying that Anonymous was actually the one who was distant from the team, and that people barely even knew who he was.

"I don't even remember playing with this guy," said Favre. "I remember Laveranues Coles, Thomas Jones, but I can't remember Anonymous even showing up for team meetings. If you want to look at someone to blame for our failures down the stretch, you can look right to him. I threw 20 incompletions in that last game, but at least 15 of those were to Anonymous, and he didn't come down with a single one. It's like he wasn't even out there on the field."

Indeed, other players are struggling to remember their teammate at all. "Anonymous...It's not ringing a bell," said Nick Mangold. "Is he french or something?"

Analysts are jumping all over the latest comments from Anonymous. "This guy is just a locker room cancer," said ESPN's Trey Wingo. "People really get on Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for things they say after tough losses, but it's actually Anonymous who is the worst. Every time you hear really damaging stuff, it's from this guy. At least they contribute on the field. Anonymous has never even made a pro bowl. The Jets need to cut ties with him during the offseason and move on."

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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:41 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:43 am
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