Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:52 pm

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.

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Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:56 am

Netherlands Queen Declares Open Season On Octopi

Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands vowed on Monday that her land would not be embarrassed anymore by cephalopods, after a psychic octopus correctly picked Spain over the Netherlands in the World Cup final. She immediately announced open season on the fishing and hunting of octopus in the surrounding waters.

"This is the last time we are humiliated by an octopus!" said the Queen. "The time our country elected someone's pet squid as Prime Minister back in the 90s was rather bad, but this takes the cake. Yes, letting Oily the Squid run our country for 4 years wasn't the best decision we made as a nation, but it only resulted in massive unemployment, debt, and a conversion to a fish based economy. But this is the World Cup!"

Common people around the country have begun heading to the seas to hunt these creatures to extinction. The government is now providing a subsidy on any octopi harvested over the next few weeks. They have even applied to have the psychic octopus extradited to the Netherlands to stand trial for "being a dick", apparently a crime in the land of the Dutch.

The Queen has also said that all octopi with a license in psychic practices are no longer allowed to do business in her country. It's unknown how many business that truly affects, but estimates put fish psychology industry at 12% of the Dutch economy.

"They will be made an example of," continued the Queen. "That you can not just lazily sit in a fishtank all day and decide the fate of entire nations! I will not be satisfied until I am dining on an octopus, cooked in a pot made of hardened octopus skin, being served to me by a waiter wearing shoes made of tentacles, while sitting upon a chair upholstered in octopi leather."


Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:40 am

Display Of Fake Emotion Following Spainís Win

2010’s version of the World Cup is now complete and the club from Spain outlasted the Netherlands and all other contenders to hoist the trophy for the first time in their country’s history. The tournament that was marked by a breathtaking display of professional flopping and feigned injuries not seen since. . .well since the 2006 World Cup, and the final match, resulting in Spain’s 1-0, victory was the perfect culmination of an entire month of staged pratfalls and exaggerated pain that soccer fans had grown accustomed to over the years.

Following their victory, the Spanish team took to the stage to accept their trophy. They appeared, to those who didn’t know any better, to be sincerely overcome with joy as manufactured tears streamed down their cheeks.

Spain’s coach Vicente del Bosque Gonzalez took to the microphone to accept the trophy and congratulate his team on their performance.  “Never have I been more proud of a group of grown men who fall straight to the ground at the slightest hint of contact and who then flail around like they have just severed an appendage.  These guys are the best in the world.  But I must give credit to the Dutch team as well, they played a great match and put on a great show.  I know if I weren’t a professional coach who understands the art of flopping, I might have believed that a few of their players were truly injured and in incredible pain.”

The player of the game had to be Spanish midfielder Andrés Iniesta, who not only scored the winning goal, but flopped a game leading 9 times. It was announced shortly before the award ceremony that not only did he win the MVP award, but also was nominated for a Primetime Emmy in the United States for best leading actor in a flop.

“This is a big moment for me,” said Iniesta, sporting a huge, unbelievable smile. “I have prepared for this celebration my whole life, starting from the time I was a little boy pretending to fall and roll around in pain whenever a girl pushed me.  All my years of overreacting has led me to this.  I couldn’t even lie on my pillow and pretend to sleep last night, I just kept standing in front of the mirror practicing my excited faces, and now its finally paid off.”

"I also want to thank those in America for the Primetime Emmy nomination. To be put up against the likes of Jay Mohr for his awful sitcom Gary Unmarried, I have never seen a show flop so hard. It really fills me with pride."

When questioned regarding the authenticity of the tears welling up in his eyes, the star confirmed they were indeed staged, but added “Crying on cue isn’t easy. Most people think you can just grab a diced onion or some mined garlic, but those items aren’t readily available on a soccer pitch. But I learned that if you reach into your shorts and rip out a handful of pubes while no one is looking, it makes the tears flow much easier.”

After the seemingly heartfelt words of their coach and star player, the Spanish team left the podium at which time their smiles faded and their tears of joy immediately dried up.


Posted on: July 1, 2010 7:50 am

FIFA Prepared to Adopt Instant Reenactment

The rulings have been questionable, the criticism has been harsh, and the call for change has reached vuvuzela pitch in South Africa. Since its inception FIFA has refused to stray far from its roots; choosing to keep its advancing clock, its limited substitution rules, and its nut-hugging, European-style shorts. FIFA has even successfully thwarted off a strong American push to either change the official name of the sport to soccer or to switch to a more oblong ball. The organization has never felt the sort of pressure that it has faced during this year's World Cup, and the calls for Instant Replay continue to come. Always the contrarian group, sources have confirmed that FIFA officials will instead announce that, beginning with the 2014 World Cup, they will add something they are calling "Instant Reenactment" to the beautiful game.

"We understand the need for review when a decisive call is in doubt," confirmed a FIFA official who refused to be named.  "Our desire is to balance the need for limited review while still preserving the integrity of the game. We have found a way to preserve that human element by utilizing Instant Reenactment."  According to the official, FIFA has already began the process of hiring a group of Civil War enthusiasts and teaching them basic soccer skills. After four years of training with the best coaches and professional actors, the hope is that the group will be proficient enough to reenact questionable calls.  FIFA"s plan is to allow each team one challenge per half. Once a play is challenged, the referee will call for the FIFA International Reenactment Troupe who will perform a reenactment of the controversial play between the North and the South. After viewing the reenactment from an optimum position, the official can choose to confirm or overrule his previous call.   

Due to its vast network of insiders, TSC was able to gain exclusive access to the training site of the troupe in a remote location in the mountains of Virginia. The actors were hard at worked and seemed excited about the chance to star on the world stage in front of millions of fans. "As horrible as soccer officiating is, we know both teams will be using all their challenges. That's four improvisational skits per match that we need to be ready for." said John Fulsom, a General in the Union's 8th Regiment and one of the trainers of the players. "We look at this as a way to help FIFA correct its reputation for game-altering mistakes, while bringing recognition to the American Civil War. People don't realize that soccer was big with the Union troops.  Lincoln personally loved the game, and the Union troops used to play matches during downtimes using defective cannonballs. Of course the games were low-scoring and they had to replace the goalies after every shot."

Posted on: June 30, 2010 7:36 am

USA Declares War On Ghana After Loss, Can't Find

After a disappointing loss to Ghana in the round of 16 at the World Cup, an infuriated United States immediately declared war on the country that ousted them 2-1 in extra time.

"America was so close to getting into soccer," said President Barack Obama. "After that exciting last minute win over Algeria we were all in Landon Donovan and...that goalkeeper guy that wears the different shirt. We almost knew two soccer players names at one time! But then Ghana comes in an destroys that dream. They will pay for this, our army will make sure of that!"

But the military action may prove more difficult than originally thought, as no one seems to know where the country of Ghana is on a map, nor had they heard of it before this World Cup. Senior Pentagon officials subpoenaed game prep documents from the soccer game's announcers and were able to surmise it's in Africa, but it will take some time to pinpoint the exact location for an invasion.

"I don't know where this country is, but we're gonna just take the navy over there, and drive around until we find it," said one General who asked to remain nameless. "I'm sure there will be a sign or something in the ocean telling us where it is. Once we find them, we're gonna lay the hammer down with the full power of our military might!"

"I tried to get the President to authorize me to finish the job Bush started in destroying New Orleans, after they beat my Jets in the Super Bowl, but he wouldn't allow it. I'm glad he's finally come around to realize sports revenge is a necessity. They may have beat us in a soccer game, but we'll see who still has a country not in smoldering ruins come next week..."


Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:44 am

Man Jailed After Making Friends Watch Soccer

A man is serving jailtime tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting  at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

It was a contest between two teams from some place called Europe, and the situation got worse from there as the partygoers realized what they were watching on the screen. Many began to scream, an angry man threw a stool at the 56 inch television, and a woman tried to gauge out her own eyes with a guacamole dip serving spoon.

Someone was smart enough to dial 911 in all the chaos, and police arrived at the scene within minutes. They broke down the door and stormed the apartment, as people ran for safety from the terror inside. They neutralized the party host with a tazer, and had the bomb squad detonate the cable box that contained the subscription to the Soccer Premiere Pass outside. They hope that will ensure it can never hurt anyone again.

The host is now in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is accused of 14 counts of attempted soccer exhibition, 10 counts of sports party trickery, and 1 count of manslaughter via guacamole spoon.

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Posted on: February 14, 2009 10:50 am
Edited on: February 14, 2009 10:52 am

Something Happened Relating To Soccer, Maybe

Media outlets around the country are investigating reports out of Columbus that something happened yesterday relating to soccer.

"All we know at this time is that something soccery happened yesterday, maybe," said ESPN anchor Stuart Scott, on his way to find out more on the mysterious event. "As it was soccer, naturally no media was actually there covering it. But early investigations say this thing could be big. Maybe it is something about steroids, maybe Michael Phelps is there smoking in the audience, maybe they did something crazy with that ball thing they are always kicking around with their feet. Who knows, but we're going to find out."

"I don't know what's happening," exclaimed SI's Dan Patrick, also headed to Columbus for information. "It sounds like everyone has gone insane up there! People are talking like they were actually excited to go watch soccer, I have reports that the Americans won a game, and there's even some mention of a world's cup. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like one exciting glass. It better be, if I get up there and find out this whole thing is just about a nice piece of glassware, I'm going to be pissed."

More information will be made available when it is found out.

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:25 am

MLS Tries Thinking Of Reason For Beckham To Retur

MLS's Los Angeles Galaxy loaned soccer star David Beckham to A.C. Milan during the first part of the year so that he may retain his World Cup eligibility. Beckham expressed his intention to return to MLS when their 2009 season began, as he is still under contract with the team for several more years. But this week, A.C. Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi said he would attempt to keep Beckham fulltime and buy out the remainder of his contract with the Galaxy.

At first this was met with anger from the Galaxy owners, but then they attempted to come up with a list of reasons why he should return to LA...

"Well...well now there's got to be some type of reason..." said Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz "We have a dedicated fanbase of dozens, you can find almost all our games on Spanish language AM radio, and last year we finished 13th out of 15 teams! There is a lot of potential here! Just last week I even saw we sold an LA Galaxy jersey! Yes, it was to myself, at a discount, so I could give it to my son for his birthday. And yes, he is no longer speaking to me for getting him what he called "the crappiest birthday gift ever". But the point is merchandising is on the rise!"

"Plus this is a great city to live in. We've got...tar pits! Do they have those over in Europe? How about our wonderful smog? Their smog over there is for wussies, I remember once I went to Italy and I didn't even cough or gag getting off the plane. This is a city for men, men with manly lungs. We need you David, I'm the owner of this team and still you're the only player of ours whose name I know. There is no way regular people know who our other players are. Please, Mr. Beckham, don't leave us. Also, bring that hot wife of yours back to the states, we need to give our fans something to look at. They aren't about to watch soccer."

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