Tag:super bowl
Posted on: February 5, 2009 10:51 am

Ad From HBJA Too Racy For Super Bowl

Late last week, a small scandal broke out when PETA announced that their Super Bowl ad featuring a woman rubbing vegetables on herself while wearing a bikini was declared too racy for broadcast. But it is only now coming to light that yet another ad was also deemed too extreme for the air, and the Husband's Blowjob Alliance says their cancelled ad was perfectly acceptable.

The 30 second spot featured testimonials by a good-looking middle aged woman talking about how fun it was to give her husband a blowjob. She told of the surprising fact that blowjobs can even help with improved dental health, while at the bottom of the screen white letters warned that "These statements have not been approved by a doctor or the FDA". She then said that starting a daily blowjob diet now could result in increased jewelry, flowers, and spending money on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day coming up soon.

She finally gave one last mention that it's not too late to remind your husband why he gave you that ring in the first place. And if they call 1-800-BJS4-MEN they can request an informative brochure be mailed to their house that has instructions for all the things today's man likes with his blowjob. It has chapters such as licking, twisting, and working the t**nt, along with fun blowjob recipes like the Peanut Butter Fudge Sundae or the San Francisco Hot Wing.

"This was perhaps the most important ad to air during the Super Bowl," said HBJA President Sal Chambers, "In these hard times and tough economy, it is absolutely essential that wives do their part. Recent studies indicate that marital blowjobs are at a 20-year low, and only going to get worse. We need the women of this country to step up, as many history books will tell you it was blowjobs that got us through the Great Depression. Men motivated again to get out there and do some work, that's what we need again.

"We're not asking for a lot, but our slogan for the ad and for 2009 is "Please, just once a month, bad things are happening and stuff". It's a little wordy and loses focus at the end, but it's been a lot better received than 2008's "Put something in your mouth other than food for once". We urge all women who want more information to consult with their husband about their many blowjob options, we have all kinds of plans to fit your unique needs."

While the ad may never make it to air, the HBJA hope that the controversy surrounding its denial will help to spread awareness of their cause.

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:11 am

Effeminate Man Doesnt Know Why Friends Busy Sunda

"I think something might be going on, something crazy," said Darren Carlisle, in a phone call to police earlier today. "Have you ever seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening? I think that might be happening this Sunday! For some reason, all my male friends do not want to do anything with me on Sunday, they all for some reason have plans or are going to parties. I am the one who usually knows about all the parties! And no one has invited me to a single one! Something Happeningish is going on, and I think I am Mark Wahlberg!"

Indeed, the South Beach, Florida resident has had an extremely hard time finding any guys to hang out with this coming Super Bowl Sunday due to his complete lack of sports knowledge. He tried inviting Jake and Tommy over for a late afternoon Brunch, but they said they had to get ready for a party of their own. He then became more desperate and attempted to organize a game of croquet or a trip to the mall to shop for slacks, but both ideas fell through due to lack of interest.

Darren became so desperate in fact, that he paid us to write this news article sending out the word for people he can hang out with on Sunday. He says that he brings a lot of positives to a hangout. He brings a hot new pair of shoes he just bought this week, he brings a bubbly sense of humor, and he is very skilled in both scrapbooking and baking. Hanging out will always result in either a great photo album or possibly a pie.

"Look, I am the one who knows where the hottest parties are happening around town first! My friends want to abandon me for some mystery event on Sunday, they can be my guest. I obviously have lots of other people I can hang out with, that's why I am paying this website to help me find them..."

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Posted on: January 27, 2009 9:59 am

Vegas Still Places Cards As Longshots To Make SB

When Dave Roberts took in his winning ticket for the longshot bet he made at the beginning of the season, that the Cardinals would somehow make it to the Super Bowl, he was told it was not yet a valid win. It seems that Las Vegas has updated their odds for which teams currently have a shot to make it to the Super Bowl, and the Steelers are locked in as going and no longer available to pick. But curiously the Arizona Cardinals are still 9-1 longshots to make it to the big game, despite winning last week's NFC championship game.

Bob Hallmark, head oddsmaker for The Mirage hotel and casino explains.

"Look, this is a lot better than the 60-1 odds they started the season with," he said. "Yes, we know they are officially scheduled to represent the NFC, and all the ads and hype have said they will be there. But we still aren't believing it. Cardinals in the Super Bowl? No one is going to put down money on that, so we have to adjust the odds accordingly. Even though they didn't even make the playoffs, and it would be impossible for them to play the Steelers, bettors are still putting quite a lot of money on the Patriots. It just makes a person feel safe, to make a bet for New England."

Even Roberts isn't too sure about his winning ticket yet.

"At first I was angry they weren't paying me, but then I started thinking about it. These are the Cardinals, after all. It's near impossible to imagine them in the Super Bowl, so I'd probably take back my bet now if I could. I mean there are still a couple days left for the NFL to realize that they are putting Arizona in the championship game and replace them with someone sensible like the Giants. I might put some money on them tomorrow just to hedge my bets."

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 10:04 am

Steelers To Consider Covering Larry Fitzgerald

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin fielded questions in a press conference today about his team's plans for Super Bowl XLIII. A reporter asked if he intended to actually cover Larry Fitzgerald, as the three NFC teams had failed to do thus far in the playoffs.

"Well that's a good question," said Tomlin. "The answer right now I'd have to say is no, although that could change if we see something in film that makes us worry about him. I just don't think he's a very big threat out there with the way he's playing."

"But sir, he has 451 yards and five touchdowns over his last three games..." added the reporter.

"Yes, but we know what he's going to do, catch multiple touchdowns and make desperate third and long receptions. We know what he's all about. But what is a player such as third string tight end Ben Patrick up to? 0 receptions for 0 yards? We need to find out what he's up to out there. So far our only defensive gameplan is to double team him as often as possible."

"Ben Patrick? I don't even think he's on the field for more than a couple plays per game..."

"Look, somehow this giant guy has managed to remain completely invisible for three straight games. I don't trust it. Even when he's out of bounds on the sideline I'm going to have 2 guys covering him, just to make sure he doesn't try anything. He could be planning on making a 5 yard catch at some point in the next few years, and I don't want it to be on my watch. We're onto you Patrick, you son of a bitch."

"Mr. Tomlin, are there any other things you are worried about defensively?" asked another reporter.

"Yes, very much so," replied Tomlin. "We are very concerned about the wildcat offense. Ronnie Brown and Chad Pennington did some scary things with that this year. We are making sure we have a few emergency plays in case Brown comes onto the field and tries to get a trick play on us."

"But, he doesn't even play for you, nor do you guys run that offense..."

"Look, you guys do your reporting thing, and I'll do my coaching thing. It was my gameplanning that got us to this point in the first place. It was my plan against Baltimore to always keep a safety watching the eyebrows of Joe Flacco in case he was hiding an illegal weapon in them during the game. It was my plan against San Diego to make sure LaDainian Tomlinson was triple covered at all times and couldn't beat us, even though he was injured and sitting on the bench. And we won both those games. So you let me handle this, and trust me, the big plays aren't going to come from Larry Fitzgerald. From what I've seen, we have nothing to worry about with that guy.

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:37 am

Cards Prepare For 976 Interviews About No Respect

"Well Colin, everyone in the media seemed to count us out every week leading up to this point too," said Kurt Warner in a radio interview with ESPN's Colin Cowherd earlier today. "You guys didn't give us any respect all season long, and that continued in every matchup we've had so far. You guys will lose to the Panthers, the Falcons, the Eagles. Well, we're fine with being the underdogs, we like it. We're going to come out and show you all what we know we can do once again."

"Uh, I asked you what your favorite food was, Kurt?" replied Cowherd.

Indeed, in underestimating the Cardinals chances each week in these NFL playoffs the media has made them into a monster the likes of which has not been seen since this year's Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sports fans are preparing themselves to hear this answer during every interview conducted with Arizona players from now until the Super Bowl, as yet another team has been "disrespected all year" by the media.

"The number one seeds can never just win easily, like they are supposed to," said analyst Chris Berman. "Now, once again, we have to hear how nobody expected them to be here, and how they never stopped believing in themselves. We really did this to ourselves, and now we have to listen to this a million more times. Next year, I'm not counting any team out. Even if they're the 0-16 Lions, I'm still going to give them a chance to win the Super Bowl. It's the only way to ensure we don't have to listen to this trite and tired speech every year. I'm sorry we did this to you America, but you only have a week and a half left to endure of it."

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:11 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:14 am

Dolphins Fail To Prepare For Aflac Trivia Questio

The Miami Dolphins came away with a crushing first round loss to the Baltimore Ravens yesterday, with 5 turnovers and a horrid offensive showing to bounce themselves out of their first playoff appearance in 7 seasons. Coach Tony Sparano was asked at the post-game press conference which area he felt most could have used better preparation before the game.

"I don't like to talk about that really, because it just gets me so angry about how badly prepped we were," said Sparano. "Sure, we looked like lost sheep out there on defense, and sure we completed more passes to Ed Reed than our own receivers. But the thing that hurts most was that none of our players could correctly answer the AFLAC Trivia Question at halftime! Not a single one!

"We prepared all week for this thing! We studied Dolphins history, Ravens history, first round playoff trivia, recent hall of fame inductees, questions about the surrounding Miami area! But then they ask something about what the record was of the 1974 Cleveland Browns?! How were we supposed to remember they changed to the Ravens! This question hit us like a Mack truck today, and we were just completely unready for it."

During halftime players and coaches were gathered around the TV waiting for the familiar duck voicing AFLAC, instead of preparing for the following half. The Dolphins players were caught totally off-guard by the Browns trivia. Some attempted to phone a friend, others tried to look up the answer on the iPhones, but in the end there just wasn't enough time for them to get onto Wikipedia and check. They came back to the field for the second half dejected and beaten down, and their play never recovered.

"We're gonna be ready for this situation next year," said Sparano. "We didn't work all year just to let that damn duck beat us when it counts. We're bringing a full football almanac next year, and maybe that Stump The Schwab from ESPN. We'll be back, mark my words, you feathered piece of shit."

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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: August 28, 2008 9:39 am
Edited on: August 28, 2008 9:45 am

Men Excited That Beer & Truck Ad Season Is Back

Men everywhere are extremely anxious for the start of Truck and Beer Ad season to begin next week. It has been a long offseason for the Beer and Truck business, with some Germans buying a large portion of one and gas prices hurting the other. People are excited to catch up with the old gang, and see what has happened since last year's commercials. Over the winter and summer, men have been forced to watch their favorite spots on DVD, as during regular dramas and sitcoms you only get one or two beer/truck commercials per break. But now every Sunday you can watch 3 hours of nonstop advertisements, and maybe more depending on how many games are being shown locally.

"Me and my friends are really stoked for these to start up again," said Sam Patterson, a resident of Oakland, California. "I bought a new plasma HDTV so I can watch them all in high definition this year. My buddies are all coming over every Sunday so we can see what kinds of unrealistically rugged terrain trucks are driving over this week, or what kind of illogical stress tests demonstrating horse power they are being put through. We want to know where a multi-ethnic group of guy friends are going to be hanging out, drinking beer, and hitting on white girls who are way out of our league. Beer and truck ads is the best show on television!"

Some guys have already had their fantasy beer and truck drafts already. Coors Light was the consensus number one in Sam's draft because as he put it, "They have a giant f***ing train! You can't stop a giant f***ing train..." He is also hoping that Labatt Blue and Hyundai, two late round picks can turn into sleepers this year. He was looking for depth at the truck position. He may have got it with Hyundai, who has apparently created a special hyper-futuristic testing facility in the desert, staffed by only hot blonds in labcoats, to test their trucks in.

Last time on Bud Light, the group guy friends was attending a wine and cheese party, where they cleverly hid beer bottles in their cheese. The main, not too handsome and easily relatable, white guy was leaving the party to make a secret cheese run. But will he get caught? Was the store out of cheese-beer? We will find out next Sunday, and the world can not wait for the conclusion.

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com