After the first 0-16 season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions are looking for any way they can turn around the direction of their franchise. They hope to have made a big change with the unveiling today of a new logo, uniforms, and franchise quarterback.

The Lions held a press conference in Detroit to show off their new duds and team identity to the public for the first time. Their logo is now not that of a leaping blue lion, as it has been in the past, but that of a stylized American patriot looking forward while his colonial hat tails off behind him. They also showed off new uniforms that were silver, blue, and red, and looked suspiciously like those of the New England Patriots.

The press immediately began asking why their uniforms looked exactly like those of the team from Foxboro and what the man in the colonial hat had to do with lions.

"This is Liontamer Pat," said Detroit GM Martin Mayhew. "As everybody knows, liontamers are one of the oldest professions, dating back to the 1700's in American circuses. Hopefully people are excited about this new look for us, and we know it looks a lot like some other uniforms you have seen in the past. But that other team seemed mighty successful, so we are just going to try these out and see if we can have a little of that success too."

Mayhew then announced the signing of an undrafted free agent named Bom Trady to be their new franchise quarterback. Trady came out from behind a curtain to a cautious applause from the press, who quickly began trying to research on their laptops anything they could on this enigmatic young man. They found no record of his play in either high school or college, but Mayhew assured them that he was an exciting player who could throw the football like the best in the business.

Trady's height and weight are surprisingly the exact same as that of last year's starter Jon Kitna, but the team hopes he will have more success than that signal caller. Bom also strangely wears a Tom Brady halloween mask, but Mayhew assured the media that is was only due to the fact that he suffered horrific burns to his face as a kid. Jon Kitna was unavailable for comment at the time of the article, apparently he has been missing ever since the signing of the new QB.

The new Lions jerseys are now on sale in the NFL Shop, with a lot of confused fans trying to make sure they don't accidentally buy one when trying to get one they will not get made fun of for wearing, that of the New England Patriots.

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Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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The Cincinnati Bengals have been reprimanded today by the NFL for attempting to place their franchise tag on New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel. The Bengals submitted their franchise tag paperwork some time overnight with Cassel's name on it instead of one of their own players. The league sent a primer on how the franchise system works to head coach Marvin Lewis, much like the primer they had sent to all 53 players on their roster after they began the year 0-8 about how football works. The Patriots in turn used their franchise tag on Cassel legally.

"Look, they already have Tom Brady," said Bengals owner Mike Brown. "What are they going to do with a second great quarterback? At least let us have one! Our guy Carson Palmer can't make it through a game of Madden without getting injured! Obviously the rules are unfair if they are going to allow the Patriots to have both these guys out there at once next year. You wait and see, they will both be throwing touchdown passes at the same time and on the same play next year. That is just unfair! 14 points on one play! How are my Bengals ever supposed to get 14 points in 60 minutes to beat that score?!"

Matt Cassel made a brief statement after hearing the news of his almost move to Cincinnati. "Thank you, oh god thank you Patriots," was all he said in a statement released to the press.

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• JaMarcus Russell will somehow manage to complete 40% of his passes, despite the fact he is playing against the extremely tough Saints defense.
• The thing that has impressed me the most about the improved Miami Dolphins this season, is just how good their defense performs when the clock is ticking down.
• Alright PCs, you win! Your commercials are now more annoying and repetitive than Apple's! You can stop now!
• Packers fans are going to be wishing they still had Brett Favre after watching Aaron Rodgers struggle while Favre carves up another horrible defense.
• Being the only healthy player left on the entire Eagles roster, Donovan McNabb is going to have a very tough game. While he might throw a few long touchdowns to himself, I don't think he has a very consistent kicking leg.
• I like the Cardinals on offense and defense, but their special teams aren't very special.
• Barack Obama is friends with terrorists, he is responsible for the current economic crisis, and he also hates kittens. If you elect him the economy will be destroyed, all your pets will be dead, and terrorists will be coming over for sleepovers at the white house. Do you want a President staying up late playing truth or dare with Osama Bin Laden? Think about it... I'm John McCain, and I approve this message.
• Those forced to watch the horrid Vikings-Lions game might just have to turn over to hockey so they can actually get some scoring.
• Matt Cassel is just as good as Tom Brady. I can see this Patriots team running the table...
• Ha! Some fool actually took Maurice Jones-Drew off my hands! That guy never gets any carries!
• There's something about John McCain's healthcare plan that he isn't telling you, and that's that he would tax your internet porn to pay for it. That's money you would pay each time you log on to ease the pain of a close loss to a division rival. Money you would pay each time you tell your wife you'll be to bed soon, just as soon as you download the "attachments" Larry from work just sent. Sure, it would balance the budget and provide enough money to fund new schools in every state. But it would drive every man in this country broke. And because of that, we just can't afford John McCain...I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.

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The team doctor of the New England Patriots had originally diagnosed Tom Brady with a torn ACL and MCL after his week one injury. It was thought his season might be done forever, but word out of Foxboro is that Brady might be able to return to the field as early as next month. Brady flew out yesterday to Alabama to meet with Dr. James Seuss, one of the foremost authorities on joint injuries.

"Well Mr. Brady, the news is not good," Dr. Seuss told him after taking some x-rays. "There's something in your joint, and be worried you should. Most doctors think this is a knee, but that's quite untrue to be, the rest of them all have the brains of a flea. It's actually a kneefus, and injuries to it are as rare as the baseball pitch eephus."

"Uh, so it can be fixed then?" said a skeptical Brady.

"They probably said no, but I say of course! My surgical skills are an unstoppable force! When it's a broken kneefus you've got, there's only one cure! It starts with the extract of a young Snaggleburr! From there we put in the liver of healthy Fhiqiment. It's to replace the torn parts of your broken down ligament!"

Brady agreed to the procedure, and it is scheduled to take place next week. It is the first known kneefus operation ever attempted on an NFL player, but Brady hopes it will enable him to get on the field quickly. "I am very confident in the recovery time," said Brady. "Dr. Seuss told me I would be back in a jiffy, and in the mean time while healing I'd be on drugs that gave me a mighty stiffy. So, I'm kind of excited on both accounts..."

Others are questioning the validity of Dr. Seuss, who was asked by reporters what tools he will be using in the operation to insert the Snaggleburr and the Fhiqiment. "Well, my major tool for this operation will be my imagination! It should be powerful enough to get me through any complication!" said Seuss. When they questioned what other tools he might have, maybe ones in the real world, he replied "I've also got a hammer and a philip's head screwdriver around here somewhere."

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I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

• A little known fact around the NFL is the close friendship of Norv Turner and Ed Hochuli. They frequently spend their off time fishing, riding a bicycle built for two, sharing a plate of spaghetti like in the movie "Lady & The Tramp". It's a wonderful friendship, and more than just a little gay. But these guys are the best of friends, and I can't see anything getting in the way of that.
• Now that Chad Johnson has changed to his Ocho Cinco jersey, this offense will really get going.
  
• All the teases CBS ran for 60 Minutes asking the question "Want to find out all about Supreme Court Justice Scalia?" were really on the money for the football audience. The first thing they love is sports, the second thing is Supreme Court Justice biographies.
• There has been no Super Bowl winner as big a fluke as the New York Giants. They will struggle to keep narrowly beating teams all season.
• Watch Out For "Big Play" Tarvaris Jackson this week against a weak Colts secondary.
• I'm glad the Chiefs have finally decided on a quarterback in Damon Huard, I bet they stick with him for awhile. They have someone named Tyler Thigpen as their third QB, thank God we never have to see that name on the field.
• You've gotta love all the guys sorting through papers and surfing the internet in the background of the NFL On FOX Pregame show. I want that job, the job of looking busy and acting like things are going on.
• I hear Cleveland has beautiful weather this time of year.
• At least Miami has their great defense to keep them in games this season. Kurt Warner might make a few passes, but he can't throw the long ball like he used to.
• I just got back in town from a long vacation overseas! I had my late fantasy draft on friday, and managed to get Tom Brady with the last pick in the first round! I am going to dominate these fools! I can't wait to see how he does later today.

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Bill Parcells handed over the keys to Miami's offense yesterday to Chad Pennington, telling him to be careful with the new franchise he just got over the summer. The move surprised many, as Pennington had his quarterbacking license suspended last month in New York for bad driving. Several times last season he was pulled over by the coaching staff in the middle of games for a QUI, Quarterbacking Unbelievably Incompetently. He was seen swerving balls all over the field and driving the opposite way in traffic, often driving the offense into his own endzone. When pulled over, coaches had him attempt to throw a ball in a straight line, but he could not successfully do it.

Pennington wasted no time in showing that the decision to give him the keys was a bad one, as he played New England in a preseason game later that day and proceeded to crash the offense right in their prized defense. On the first play from scrimmage, Pennington was under big pressure as defensive tackles broke through the Dolphins offensive line and made him sail a pass over the head of Ricky Williams, who was then drilled hard into the ground by a defender. Chad was thrown to the ground after the play, and Parcells ran out onto the field yelling "What have you done to my brand new offense! It's ruined!" Old man Belichick, who takes great pride in his flower garden and defense, also ran out onto the field and surveyed the damage on his fence, "You think your offense if in bad shape, how about my defense! It is supposed to be training to play against good teams, and we have to warm up against this awfulness?! We will never be ready for the regular season!"

To pay off the damages, Pennington has agreed to quarterback the team throughout the season to a record bad enough for Parcells to draft a new offense in the offseason.

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