Tag:tony romo
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: May 5, 2009 9:24 am
 

Cowboys Suffer Startling NonMetaphorical Collapse

The Dallas Cowboys were stunned over the weekend as their practice facility in Texas collapsed during a rainstorm, injuring several people and frightening everyone inside. The team is unsure how to deal with the disaster, as they are usually only accustomed to metaphorical collapses during the season and postseason despite having superior talent.

"I don't know how to deal with this man," said quarterback Tony Romo. "People actually hurt by falling debris...usually it's just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer. This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to what kinds of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we'll show them they haven't seen anything yet."

Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.

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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:15 am
 

Cowboys Draft New Captain To Improve Coin Tosses

The Dallas Cowboys took Texas A&M's Stephen McGee in the fourth round of this years NFL Draft in order to shore up the weakest part of their game last year, the coin toss. The Cowboys ranked dead last in coin toss calls, with their record standing at 0-8.

They started the year with Tony Romo as team captain, but his heavily tails favoring coin calls led to the other team choosing which side they wanted each and every game. They made a switch late in the season to Jason Witten, but he fared no better. The coaching staff made coin tosses the focus of voluntary minicamps this offseason, with an entire week spent on practicing flipping coins in the air, making sure they know how to say both "heads" and "tails", and learning the history of minted coins in general.

But the Cowboys management decided it was time to go in a new direction at the position of team captain and drafted McGee, a tough coin guesser from the Big 12 Conference. Mel Kiper said McGee is a bold leader, who takes charge during a coin toss and makes sure there is no doubt about which side he is picking. He is expected to come in and start right away, and could make a huge impact for these Cowboys chances of deferring kickoffs.

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:03 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:29 am
 

Reporters Pretending To Be Busy During Deadline

Another NFL trade deadline passes, and with it another season of NFL insiders from every media outlet pretending they are too busy covering all the deals to do real work. "It's sort of like a holiday for all of us," said FOX's Jay Glazer. "It's a day where it seems like a lot is going on, but then nothing actually happens. I usually catch a movie, play some internet chess, just relax around the house. I was just settling in for a dip in my jacuzzi when someone called with this Roy Williams to Dallas nonsense."

Indeed the big talk, or better put the only talk, of this trade deadline was the trade of Roy Williams Dallas in exchange for 3 draft picks. But according to insiders, it was a deal that almost didn't happen. "I called Jerry Jones personally and asked him not to do the deal," said ESPN's Chris Mortenson. "I told him that it sounded good for his team and all, but I was currently out with a prostitute while both ESPN and my wife thought I was working the phones on this deadline thing. He told me that really made him think about it, but he still had to do the deal. So, I had to head back into the office and cover this one measly trade. That son of a bitch..."

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Posted on: October 14, 2008 9:33 am
Edited on: October 14, 2008 9:50 am
 

Romo Begins Tough Rehab W Jessica Simpson Tonight

Tony Romo suffered a horrific injury on the first play of overtime against the Arizona Cardinals as he broke his right pinkie finger. The hurt finger could sideline Romo for up to 4 weeks as he seeks to recover not just from the pain, but also the emasculation. "There is nothing worse for the confidence of a man than a pinkie injury," said Dr. Gary Desik, the physician who treated Romo. "There is no more girlie part on a man than a pinkie, and when you break that little frail finger, it is incredibly embarrassing. The actual pain of the broken finger is only half the problem of a pinkie injury. He is also probably being called things like pansy, wimp, and cockguzzler right now on message boards and sports talk radio. He is probably being called a woman right now as he is out ordering his diet venti caramel coconut macchiato with extra whipped cream at Starbucks. And that just isn't fair."

"The finger is going to heal on its own," continued Dr. Desik. "But the psychological damage is going to be what we have to work hard to rehab so he can get back on that field. I heard one television pundit say that while he is at the doctor's getting his pinkie examined, he should also have his vagina checked out, because he is a giant pussy. That just hurts. So I've involved his girlfriend Jessica Simpson in the rehab and treatment of the injury. She is going to administer 20 tablespoons of rough supermodel sex twice a day. The kind of sex you and I can only dream about while we watch Dukes Of Hazard in slow motion with the sound off."

"I have also given Tony a prescription for an affair, but only with an extremely kinky super attractive prostitute. With this type of injury on the male psyche you are going to need to hit it with some of the wildest sex the imagination can dream up. The stuff that can only be found on the deepest of internet porn sites. This kind of stuff, we regular people would never be able to afford, but it should be nothing for someone like Tony. If he happens to get arrested or caught by Jessica Simpson, he only has to show that he has a prescription for the wild sex."

The nation's thoughts and prayers are with Tony Romo as he begins this difficult and trying rehabilitation. Rumor has it that presidential hopefuls Obama and McCain will even wear tiny Jessica Simpson's breasts pins during the next debate as a sign of support for this brave American hero.

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Posted on: January 15, 2008 11:33 am
Edited on: January 15, 2008 11:36 am
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