Vengeance

Visitors to ESPN.com were shocked this morning when an editing snafu landed a horrific headline onto the front page of their website. At approximately 6:34 AM, a story appeared about a player from the WNBA's Minnesota Lynx missing the rest of the season. The article was published and available for just anyone to see who came onto that front page.

ESPN began receiving calls at their main offices around 6:37 with irate men screaming about how they had been exposed to a story relating to the WNBA.

"I come to your site because I want sports news," said fan Gerald Perkins. "But I go there this morning, and you assault my eyes and ears with something about the WNBA! It made me sick inside! That kind of stuff should only be allowed in the wee hours overnight. What if my kids had stumbled upon this website? I don't want them exposed to the WNBA!"

ESPN responded quickly by pulling the article, deleting their entire section on the WNBA, and firing the web editor responsible for the mixup. Apparently he was trying to publish a story about Women's Volleyball, which is a fan favorite on the site due to the fact they all wear bikinis, and none of them look like giants. But he selected the wrong choice from the dropdown menu, and the WNBA headline snuck in there.

The staffer says he definitely deserved the firing, and appologizes to anyone who took the time to read this horrific headline.

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David Blaine, the street magician who is famous for his longterm stunts, such as being submerged in water for 30 days or hung above New York for weeks on end, has announced he will begin a new stunt this September. This might be his most treacherous feat yet, and one doctors have advised him not to attempt.

He will try to survive an entire season as a Detroit Lions fan. He has been preparing his body for the constant losing over the summer by watching Washington Nationals games, but nothing can truly prepare you for the horror of watching the real thing. He has bought a Matthew Stafford jersey, and even set the Lions to his favorite team on his Facebook. He will attempt to stay interested in them for the whole year, despite however bad things may get in the standings.

Doctors warn that being a Lions fan is extremely dangerous, and unhealthy for his psyche. They caution that too much exposure to such an awful franchise could result in permanent damage. But the stuntman is unwavering in his dedication to this new plan. Tune in this Fall to see if he can survive the ordeal.

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Apparently that lucky son of a bitch Tom Brady has impregnated his second super model with a child, this time his new wife, Gisele Bunchen. The no good bastard says he and his wife are very happy to be expecting their first child. That makes two models down on this prick's quest to make sure all of the offspring of 21st century supermodels belongs to him.

I've been a beatwriter for these Pats for 20 years, and you are the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Do you know how many models I've been with? Do you know how many women I've been with who could even be remotely considered models even in a plus size catalogue? Zero Tom! Zero!

To celebrate the news, the piece of shit is taking his wife down to his winter home in the Bahamas on his twenty million f*cking dollar yacht. The assh*le went so far as to say he is starting his own children's charity which will raise enough money, he hopes, to have a real shot at curing children's cancer. What a d*ck.

Brady says he doesn't know when the baby will be arriving, but says it will probably be before a certain sportswriter's wife goes on a diet or learns how to clean the kitchen. Muscles, millions, talent, fame, and good looks weren't enough for you, were they Brady? You had to go out and tag half of the very Victoria's Secret catalogue I used last night? That's low, you f*cker.

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Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous 3 NBA titles, many critics believed that Kobe would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back to back to back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Rick's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor."

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Unhappy with the way the team has performed so far this season, Washington Nationals management fired all their players today in an unprecedented move. They have brought up some kids from double A ball to serve as interim players until they can find suitable replacements.

"Well, we've struggled to a 16-45 record, which is just awful," said GM Frank Geary. "But head coach Manny Acta is one of the best out there, this team just isn't getting the full management potential out of him. So, we just felt it was time to make a change. We're going to eat their salaries and just move in a different direction."

"We like what they do up in Boston," continued Geary. "We're going to see if we can maybe sign that team to replace them down here. We need a big name team to come in and get the fanbase excited, hopefully some new players can motivate this coaching staff better."

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MLB Network today announced a deal with the National Football League to carry 14 preseason games this upcoming August, in an attempt to boost sagging ratings.

"This is an exciting deal for this network," said MLB Network president Rich Yarborough. "To be able to carry the great NFL product on our airwaves, it's quite an honor. We think it's going to go well with our new show that we're going to run every evening, Football Tonight. It covers all the latest news over in the NFL, and we think baseball fans are really going to enjoy it. Baseball Tonight has been bumped back to 1:00 AM, but we feel it's still a very important part of our channel's lineup."

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Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity. Commissioner Gary Bettman said that all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league. He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the who's the best debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

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A man is serving jailtime tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting  at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

It was a contest between two teams from some place called Europe, and the situation got worse from there as the partygoers realized what they were watching on the screen. Many began to scream, an angry man threw a stool at the 56 inch television, and a woman tried to gauge out her own eyes with a guacamole dip serving spoon.

Someone was smart enough to dial 911 in all the chaos, and police arrived at the scene within minutes. They broke down the door and stormed the apartment, as people ran for safety from the terror inside. They neutralized the party host with a tazer, and had the bomb squad detonate the cable box that contained the subscription to the Soccer Premiere Pass outside. They hope that will ensure it can never hurt anyone again.

The host is now in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is accused of 14 counts of attempted soccer exhibition, 10 counts of sports party trickery, and 1 count of manslaughter via guacamole spoon.

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It's great when you see good teamwork out there on the basketball floor. Nowhere was it more apparent than during the end to Sunday's regulation time when Courtney Lee missed an alley oop layup with a chance to win the game. Referee Tim Bixon was under the basket, ready to whistle a shooting foul, but then he saw Pau Gasol help him out on the call by waving his arms and shouting "No foul!".

"Wow, that guy was just really nice," said Bixon. "He could have not done anything, or even lied. But he helped me make an important call there that ultimately decided the game. What a swell person! I was probably even going to blow that whistle, but luckily he was there to tell me how it really was."

To that fact, Gasol has been training to be a basketball referee in the offseason.

"I've noticed the officiating in this league could really use an overhaul," he said after the game. "They tend to call way too many fouls on me, and not enough when I get touched. That is why I'm learning to just make my own calls out there. I think the league will allow it, as long as I get certified and everything. Why would a certified ref ever lie?"

He has been doing his part this season to make sure the refs know what every call should be, yelling and screaming at them that he did not make contact during every shooting foul called against LA. He also is quick to remind them who last touched the ball when it goes out of bounds, which 94% of the time happens to be the other team, something he says is a known statistic.

They are very appreciative of his help in calling the games, and believe he will be key if the Lakers have any chance of sweeping the Magic in 4 games this series.

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After a poor showing in their first game, and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for game three in favor of the Boston Celtics. Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference semi-finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

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The ESPN Sports Score Ticker held a press conference today to announce that it had signed a new deal with CNN to become their new ticker. This follows the new last week that CNN's longtime ticker would be leaving the business after 22 years to retire to his ranch in Texas.

For fans of the ESPN Ticker, the announcement was bittersweet. They have relied on the ticker for years to give them the sports news they need while pretending to be actually listening to their wives talk about their day.

"I've always wanted to cover serious news," said the ESPN Ticker to his many adoring fans. "This allows me to finally live that dream of scrolling presidential news and information about which American car companies have gone bankrupt today. I'm very excited for this opportunity."

His final day will be this coming Saturday, and he promises an extra special scroll for his last broadcast. He may go with a sans-serif font, and give some really obscure fantasy baseball statistics for the hardcore ticker fans. He will be missed all around the country. ESPN has yet to name a replacement.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers have unveiled some uniform changes for next season after being knocked out of the playoffs by the Orlando Magic. Starting next year, LeBron James will wear a special uniform for all games, that happens to look exactly like that of the New York Knicks.

"The Knicks and Nike have asked that they be allowed to start marketing him in Knicks gear a year early," said GM Danny Ferry. "In exchange for a nice sum of money, coupled with the fact we all know this move is inevitable, we have allowed this to happen.

"We are a bit concerned about confusion when we actually play the Knicks in a game, but the NBA says they will put extra referees on the court to make sure baskets are attributed to the proper team. League officials have been very helpful in this uniform change, and they told us whatever they needed to do to get LeBron into a major market, they would make happen."

James himself says he is looking at next year as a good tryout of the blue and orange.

"This will be a great way to see if just putting on that uniform will make me as bad as the rest of that franchise has been for the last decade," said James when asked about the new uni. "Plus I don't have to wear that awful red thing anymore, I get royalties from all new jersey sales, and I can stand out better so that my teammates can feed me the ball for 30-40 shots per game. This way, I don't see a reason why I can't take every shot our team attempts next year. It's going to be great, I just love New Yo...I mean Cleveland. It's a great city."

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A new feature in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say that she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year. The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that at times Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of LeBron James could not be reached for comment. He did however put out a press release through his publicist saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this. He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to, in order to make this go away.

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The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall number one pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

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